Higgs Boson and ‘faster than light’ matter found in Wales

Those clever boffins have been at it again. In just under a week those smart people in white coats have discovered the elusive Higgs Boson that some people have been calling the ‘God particle’, and matter that can travel faster than light here in Wales!

Scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) based at CERN on the Franco–Swiss border were dismayed last week to find that using relatively inexpensive equipment scientists from the University of Treforest, Glamorgan and the Atrium had captured a pair of Higgs bosons in Dorothy’s chip shop in Caroline Street in Cardiff.

According to the standard model the long searched for Higgs boson is a hypothetical massive elementary particle which mediates weak interactions.

Professor Ivor Grant told us:

“We can only speculate on where these two particles came from but according to quantum dynamics we can speculate that they were from Malpas in Newport having a night out in Cardiff.

“Looking at the size of these particles and measuring their weak interaction we are pretty sure that theses are the ones that we have been looking for”.

Prof Grant, head of sub-atomic physics, face-painting, interpretive-dance and self-promotion at the former polytechnic went on to say:

“We always thought that these particles would display super-symmetry but this is way beyond our wildest dreams. They were both wearing identical clothing which looked like it came from TK-Max. At first we had problem working out which one was the T and which one was the B particle – That’s Top and Bottom to lay-people like you”.

In another ground-breaking discovery physicists from the ‘University of Trinity, St David’s, Lampeter and anyone else who wants to join in’ have discovered that matter can travel faster than the speed of light.

Using state of the art equipment funded by the Welsh Government (iPhones) they discovered that the hubcaps and the radio of a car parked in Llangefni on the Isle of Anglesey (that’s Ynys Môn to Welsh people) had reappeared at Splott Market in Cardiff within 4 picoseconds – a distance almost the length of Wales!

We asked various ministers at the Welsh Assembly to comment on these great Welsh achievements but were told by a spokesperson that they were are all sitting in a bunker just in case a satellite fell on them, though we were told that the answer to the question we posed under the freedom of information act (FoI) last year would be answered very soon and that it was likely to be either Coco-Pops, Frosties or Ricicles

Diagram: A Feynman diagram of one way the Higgs bosons may be produced at Caroline Street. Here, two quarks each emit a W or Z boson, which combine to make a neutral Higgs where W represents WKD and Z is the relative amount of Lynx deodorant applied

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