1. For the authentic feel of the Maes, cover your living room floor with top soil and give it a good watering. If you do not have access to topsoil, a liberal sprinkling of used cat litter will suffice.
2. Invite round some elderly relatives, preferably select at least two with hearing aids.
3. Wrap the elderly relatives selected in step 2 in old bed sheets and place a pillow case on their heads.
4. Switch on your television and tune it to S4C. Switch on you radio and tune it between channels so you have ‘white noise’.
5. If any of the elderly relatives selected in step 2 are using hearing aids, adjust so they start to whistle/feedback.
6. Pop down to you local shop and purchase a can of weak lager and then proceed to you local all-night garage and procure a pie or pasty. Bring the lager and pie/pasty home. Burn a £20 note and then consume the lager and pie/pasty.
7. Having consumed the weak lager do a silly dance with one of the relatives you selected in step 2.
8. Swear blind that you are having a good time and that you will a). send your first-born to a Welsh-medium school (though why the hell psychics should be educators is beyond you) b). watch at least 30 minutes of S4C a week from now on – even if it is just Tecwyn Y Tractor.
9. Hand out awards to all you friends and family. Don’t worry what they are for. Make one of them sit on a chair for a bit.