January
Jeremy Hunt decides that Welsh broadcaster S4C should be sold to TV Channel Dave. It is renamed Dai and doubles its viewing figures in a week. Mostly by Daily Express readers looking for programmes about a certain car crash in a Paris underpass.
February
There is little surprise when the Welsh Football team lose 12-1 to the Lundy Island 2nd Team. A spokesperson for the Football Association of Wales blames the manager, the manager blames the captain and the captain blames the team.
March
In the run-up to the Assembly elections, Conservative Assembly Member Mohammad Asghar defects to the Green Party. Oscar says that he thinks it is important that all people should be encouraged to eat their 5 a day.
April
Newport admits to being bankrupt and is saved by a last minute intervention by Poundland. It appears that the cost of the Ryder Cup in 2010, the Goldie Lookin Chain’s rider, plus a few fibreglass dragons have left the City nearly a billion pounds in the red. Leader of the Council, Matthew Evans agrees to the renaming of Newport to the ‘Poundland City and County of Newport’
May
Welsh Icons is still lurching from financial crisis to complete penury. Hopes are raised by a grant from Merthyr Tydfil County Borough Council but are dashed again when the grant turns out to be a £5 book token, some Green Shield stamps and the chance of a free face-painting session in the library of our choice.
June
BBC Cymru Wales announces another series when famous people discover their Welsh roots. This year’s series features Robert Mugabe, Vladimir Putin, Julian Assange and the cute dark-haired bird who does the weather late at night on Al Jazeera.
July
Some Welsh cheese or other wins 3rd place in the regional cheese awards at the Cheese Show 2011 in Olympia, London. The makers are very excited and tell us that they have never been to London before and they went on a special train that traveled beneath the earth.
August
No prizes are awarded at this year’s Nation Eisteddfod at Wrexham due to the poor quality of entrants. A judge admits “they’ve been crap for years but at least they managed to speak a few words of Welsh”.
September
At this year’s Mardi Gras, all the Welsh Rugby Union team admit to being homosexual. This comes as no surprise to certain Welsh media sports pundits who say that it has been an ‘open secret’ for years.
October
Welsh Icons buys Dai (formerly S4C) from Dave for a pound. The deal is financed by Sir Terry Matthews and from 2012 the channel will broadcast daytime bingo and night-time adult entertainment. A spokeswoman tells us: “the new channel will have English subtitles for the hard of hearing, and Welsh subtitles for the terminally stupid”.
November
All Councils and Unitary Authorities in Wales issue multiple press releases warning residents not to eat lit fireworks. The Forestry Commission Wales, the Assembly body responsible for hugging Welsh trees estimates that a forest the size of Anglesey has been used during the exercise.
December
To cut costs, New Theatre, Cardiff and Venue Cymru, Llandudno and the Grand Theatre, Swansea combine their casts and crews and hold a joint pantomime in a field near Llandrindod Wells. John Barrowman and Russell Grant are unable to appear but Roy Noble, Owen Money and the bloke who came 11th in the 2011 X-Factor all promise to perform. BREAKING NEWS: Barrowman and Grant have been appointed forwards and backs coaches (respectively) to the WRU.
