Like many other UK media organisations, Welsh Icons has received a D notice in relation to the publication of classified and possibly compromising documents on the WikiLeaks website.
During the last few hours our site has been the victim of a Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) attack on our servers but in the public interest we have decided to publish those papers of interest to people in Wales.
We have traced the DDoS attacks to an Amstrad Emailer in Machynlleth and a rogue Dragon 32 in Merthy Tydfil. We have updated our content network’s defence’s and apart from Mrs Jones with the X-Box her Grandson got her from Argos in Cwmbran, we are confident that we can continue to provide you, our loyal readers with the TRUTH! – We do not think that Mrs Jones has anything to do with the CIA, NSA or the Feds as she told one of our reporters she was just trying to vote for Wagner on the X-Factor.
More than 250,000 classified cables from the USA to its embassies have been leaked, many of them designated “secret” – Welsh Icons can disclose that 5 of them refer to Wales.
Publish and be damned as they say so here we go:
C O N F I D E N T I A L C A R D I F F 000131
TAGS: PIES, CURRYSAUCE, BREASTS, UK, WL
SUBJECT: [SOURCE REMOVED] HOOTERS
Classified By: [SOURCE REMOVED], reasons 1.4 (s) and (e)
Assistance must be given to help the Hooters chain of restaurants to setup a their new premises in Cardiff. It is believed that the indigenous population go out to Cardiff City Centre and after much alcohol the younger females expose their breasts. Our anthropologists have indicated that this behavior may be influenced by the ingestion of chips and curry sauce from Dorothy’s in ‘Chippy Lane’ as the fast-food quarter is called by the locals.
This activity is not only undemocratic but anti-American and all assistance should be given to Hooters so they can establish an outlet in Cardiff and engage in the natural capitalist activity of charging for alcohol, breast exposure and fast food.
C O N F I D E N T I A L S W A N S E A 000177
TAGS: WIMPS, RUGBY, UK, WL
SUBJECT: [SOURCE REMOVED] WRU
Classified By: [SOURCE REMOVED], reasons 2.5 (s).
Agents have indicated that the Welsh Rugby Coach believes that his team can beat our allies in the Southern Hemisphere. This is causing concern to our new ally Fiji. In the current political climate everything must be done to ensure that he does not succeed. This directly effects out interests in the Pacific Rim.
C O N F I D E N T I A L B A L A 010299
TAGS: PRINCE PHILIP, NATION STATE, UK, WL
SUBJECT: [SOURCE REMOVED] PLAID
Classified By: [SOURCE REMOVED], reasons 1.3 (u).
A prisoner in Abu Ghraib has ‘co-operated’ with our agents and implicated two women in Wales who are running a campaign for independence. It is understood that their names are Leanne Wood and Bethan Jenkins. It is understood that both these women have undertaken training in guerrilla warfare in the Welsh Valleys and are classified as highly dangerous. They are highly skilled in making weapons of mass destruction such as Bara Brith and Crempog and should not be approached with less than a C class amoured division.
C O N F I D E N T I A L L L A N G O L L E N 017722
TAGS: CHOIR, BUTT, UK, WL
SUBJECT: [SOURCE REMOVED] MUSIC
Classified By: [SOURCE REMOVED], reasons 9.8.3 (z).
It has come to our attention that the Welsh are developing a sonic weapon. Under the guise of choral singing, the Welsh are perfecting a new way of using close harmony to intimidate anyone within range. The old tribal chants of “Calon lân yn llawn daioni” and “Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr” have been replace by “Come and have a pop if you think you’re hard enough” and “You’re going home in a f**cking ambulance”. Trials in the Nevada Desert on battle hardened American troops have found this method to cause utter devastation and this sonic weapon must be stopped without prejudice.
C O N F I D E N T I A L P E N A R T H 007731
TAGS: COMMERCIAL, IRISH, BEER, UK, WL
SUBJECT: [SOURCE REMOVED] MUSIC
Classified By: [SOURCE REMOVED], reasons 1.2.3(w).
SA Brains have started production of what they describe as Brains Black. This is an Irish stout like beverage that could undermine what is left of our relationship with Ireland. As every right-thinking patriot knows, we are all descended from the Irish, and Wales is just a County of our great friend England, Great Briton. Caution is advised our only agent who has imbibed the substance is still under observation after an incident with the North Korean Ambassador, a banana and an ostrich. We do not need to remind you that it is in our interest to get the Brits drinking weak fizzy beer and our partner’s in the fast food industry have already got approval from the new British Government to sell it to their school children on health grounds.
